Archive for July, 2009
Jul
29
Posted by admin
The pattern is all too common. One moment your relationship is riding a wave of warmth, love and intimacy. But the next moment coldness, anger and blame creep in.
What is happening? Is it something that signals a serious underlying problem, or is it just the natural ebb and flow that accompanies the cycles of love?
Often we are too close to really understand what we’re going through. But we recognize that we need help. But then, just as we decide to move in that direction, we decide to put it off. This yo-yo pattern repeats itself and we are once again at a loss to explain what is going on.
How do you know when your love life is on a crash course? For starters, there are common signs that can be clues. Once you identify them, you’re on the road to better understanding.
The common signs of a troubled relationship are:
1. Decrease in sexual passion
2. Bickering
3. Avoidance
4. Jealousy
5. Depression
6. Less time spent together
7. Anxiety
8. Dependency
9. Manipulation of family members
1. Decrease Sexual Passion
There is a natural waxing and waning of passion that occurs in every relationship, but what we’re talking about here is something else. While stress, fatigue and other pressures can creep between the sheets, there is no place for anger. When you find yourself shut down to your partner’s advances, it’s time to pay attention.
2. Bickering
In order for your love to stay fresh and healthy, you must be able to talk about both simple and complex feelings. When bickering replaces conversation, nothing gets addressed and nothing gets resolved. Instead, tension builds and a power battle takes over. Anger and blame follow.
3. Avoidance
Like it or not, straight talk is healthy. Without it, you will lose your boundaries and values. We all have to stand up for something even when it is not received the way we had hoped. Real differences in a partnership don’t have to cause problems, especially when they are explored with respect. When you remain silent and stoic, and keep everything below the surface, repressed feelings become part of a toxic brew. Eventually they take on a life of their own.
4. Jealousy
You have to be careful about this warning sign. It’s confusing. Jealousy is a complicated emotion. It can mean many different things. The type of jealousy I’m referring to is unfounded jealousy, not jealousy that comes from watching a flirtatious partner about to make a conquest. Unfounded jealousy is something that appears without warning and disturbs the equilibrium of a relationship. This type of jealousy appears out of nowhere and can have little to do with infidelity. It is often a reflection of the loss of self- esteem and a deep sense of insecurity on the part of either you or your partner.
5. Depression
I have seen many people come into my office with depression. For the most part, they can’t figure out why they are feeling like this. They say they have a good life, and a solid relationship. But as they talk, they realize that many things are missing in their love life, things they don’t want to look at. Why? Because they fear that if they face the truth, that ultimately, they might wind up alone. They think they are better off not knowing. But in order to break the cycle of depression, one must be honest. As one patient told me, “Truth is my friend, it will guide me in a good direction.”
6. Less Time Spent Together
When is enough time together enough? Well, that depends a lot on your needs. Finding the balance between love, responsibility and other demands creates a continuous juggling act. We all experience that. But an abrupt shift in shared time patterns could be a warning sign that something is out of whack. Too much separation and not enough shared activities can create a void, making intimacy difficult to experience.
7. Anxiety
I think of anxiety as a warning sign in much the same way that I think of depression. A sudden increase in anxiety or a change in sleep patterns can indicate that there is an unresolved issue lurking in your unconscious that needs to be exposed. Since relationships are so important in life, there’s a big chance that anxiety is a red flag indicating that some aspect of your partnership needs to be examined.
8. Dependency
When you’re too dependent, the fundamental partnership is out of balance. If there’s too much dependency, a natural resentment brews. One person is likely to feel burdened, the other frightened by their neediness. It’s a “no win” situation. Equality is tossed out the window. The one in power often feels unappreciated and undervalued. The needy one frequently feels disappointment. Resentment grows and both partners feel judged.
9. Manipulation of Family Members
When you begin to manipulate and clutch at your children or others, your partner can easily be marginalized. A wedge can occur. Low-level family warfare can result. This can happen not only with children but with other family members, friends and even business colleagues. The result is that you and your partner are at odds.
I recognize the problem, now what can I do about it?
Relationships are enormously complex. There are no easy answers. Sometimes it may feel that it is too late, but in my practice, I’ve watched relationships flourish on very parched soil. Most issues can be resolved by honest dialogue and open conversations — conversations that require you to leave all your “ammunition” behind.
Jul
21
Posted by admin
Jealousy is one of the most destabilizing of all emotions. It can be defined as a person’s fears and anxieties around attention that they think is being given to or received by the one who is dear and important to them.
Most of the people experience the natural feeling of jealousy at some point in their lives when it comes to romance. Some people feel it more strongly than others and some even suffer from the feeling to the extent that jealousy starts consuming them. In some cases the feeling is justified and in others it is not. Frankly speaking, jealousy is a poisonous emotion, both for the person experiencing it and for their partner.
Jealousy is usually considered as a single, independent emotion, but in reality it is a whole bundle of feelings that interconnect with each other such as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, mania, paranoia, sadness, agitation, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling excluded and so on.
For the most part, jealousy is a byproduct of one’s own problems with self-confidence and self-esteem. It is also about a deep fear of the unknown and of change, fear of being abandoned and of losing power or control in a relationship, and also the fear that the needs will not be met. Jealous people feel often very insecure and anxious about their worthiness, feeling that they might not be good enough for the other partner. They may feel threatened by good looks of other people comparing them to their own selves and worrying that the other part might leave them at any time. Whatever the reason is that caused jealous emotions, whether justified or not, the feeling can become a huge factor in disconnection between couples.
Being in a relationship with someone who is very jealous, is very hard as in many cases it turns out that along with the jealousy suddenly comes control. Jealous partner wants to control everything the other part does, where they go, and who they communicate with. Sometimes extreme jealousy can also lead to sexual or physical violence. Violence will be harder to control as the relationship progresses, so if it started reaching dangerously high levels, it would be the best to break up, or if that is not manageable at that point, then there is a need to seek for help as soon as possible.
Jealousy can also easily become an obsession in both men and women. Someone who is being consumed by paranoid jealousy constantly draws in mind pictures and imagines situations where their partner is betraying them, and cheating on them. As a result, they always manage to convince themselves that the partner has done something not proper and humiliating for them. These endless suspicions are poisonous and can be fatal for any relationship. Very often another part gets sick and tired of constant accusations and suspicions, especially when the jealousy is unjustified, and leave the relationship.
So, how is it possible to prevent these ugly thoughts from appearing and from flooding one’s mind at all? The best thing to start with is to start communicating your feelings with your partner. It is important to ask them why they have chosen especially you and also tell them openly that you love them. You may want to explain also that because they are so important to you, you are feeling jealous and insecure about the relationship. There is a great chance that your partner will reassure you of the fact that he/she is in a relationship with you because of feelings for you only and not someone better to come along.
Never feel in a negative way about yourself and certainly do not talk negatively about yourself. Self confidence is always respected by others and if you constantly keep thinking about positive things when negative feelings start invading you, a habit of doing so will be eventually developed in you.
It is a very bad thing when one of the partners tries to control the relationship. One person cannot control the other person as everyone has a mind and understanding of their own. If there is a feeling that the person cannot be trusted until you know everything they do, who they meet with, who they talk to, where they are, all the time, then either they are not worth trusting and will betray in any case, or your jealousy and paranoia will break the relationship. If your partner does things that you do not accept, it is always better to talk to them and let them know about your concerns, suspicions and pain, rather than spy and demand anything through fights and hysteria.
In addition to being a partner to the person you love, try to be their trustworthy friend as well. If the other part realizes and understands that they can trust you completely in any aspect, then the relationship is more likely to be much healthier and stronger and reasons for feeling jealous will subside, and eventually even disappear.
Jul
05
Posted by admin
Before you can truly get the good that you desire, the good that God intends for you … before you can get that good into your mind …
You are going to have to clear your mind of a lot of hatreds and ‘hurtreds’ that are keeping you from your blessings …
You are going to have to FORGIVE!
And you forgive that person who hurt you — not for his or her sake — but for the sake of your OWN mental and physical health and well-being!
Forgiveness is rooting up and letting go of the self-destructive emotions of anger and resentment and hurt.
When you forgive you stop holding something against somebody else.
Forgiveness is for your own sake!
Many times people think that forgiveness is something that you do for other people or to other people. But forgiveness is what you do for yourself!
That’s why I tell you, don’t carry anger, don’t carry resentment, don’t carry ‘hurtred’ nor hatred.
Some of you wonderful people, you wouldn’t dare hate anybody.
You say, “Roefan I don’t hate, but I’m hurt.”
Well, let me tell you, ‘hurtred’ is just as dangerous as hatred.
Yes, some of you are carrying around ‘hurtred’. And that will do you just as bad as hatred — because, you see, if you carry with you the emotion of being hurt, you will draw more hurt.
If you are easily offended, you will keep drawing people to you who will keep offending you. You go around feeling hurt. “Oh, I’m so hurt.”
And you’ll draw more hurt, and you’ll go around like that song, “Why is Everybody Always picking on me?”
So, you see, you’re not just simply doing the other person a favor by forgiving him or her, the first person you do a favor for by forgiving is yourself.
“Okay, Roefan, everyone keeps saying “forgive, forgive”, but no one tells me HOW to do it!”
Well I’m telling you exactly how to do it.
This Forgiveness Affirmation Works
Right here and right now, repeat the following ‘Forgiveness Affirmation’ out loud as many times as you need to:
Insert the name of each person you wish to forgive … AND don’t JUST say the words … … FEEL the words, use your emotions, act it out in the theater of your mind … … until you convince yourself that you mean it!
Now say the following:
“I now forgive you, (name of person), for all hurts and harm that you have done to me. I GLADLY forgive you, (name of person). I forgive you intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. I GLADLY let go of all anger and hostility, and choose to see you through eyes of love and compassion. I bless you, (name of person)! I wish you health, happiness, prosperity and ALL the blessings of life! I am FREE, and you are FREE! It is a MARVELOUS FEELING!”
Remember, you must FEEL this — – act it out with your voice and body — throw your hands in the air — do whatever you must do to ‘get the feeling”. And if those hurt, angry thoughts about the person come back later — you may have to repeat this affirmation many times — until your subconscious mind becomes re-programmed from anger to love!
I guarantee it will work — if YOU work it.
And the next time you see that person, you are going to be amazed. You will feel and act differently and they will react differently towards you! Or, if that person is distant or deceased, you will experience a new peace of mind regarding that person. They will be free — and YOU will be free!
Jul
04
Posted by admin
When you’re in that initial honeymoon stage, it can be easy to think you should tell him everything in preparation for your perfect life together. But here are 11 things you should definitely keep to yourself!
1. That you dislike his mother …
Even if he is currently angry at his Mom, it’s never a good idea to get involved, as they will definitely make up. Comfort him, and listen to him, but keep your opinions to yourself. His Mom is important to him, so knowing you don’t like her could undermine your whole relationship.
2. Never tell him his friends made a pass at you …
He’ll have to confront them, or things will be awkward, and if the friend swears he didn’t it could cause even more problems. Politely decline and keep quiet, unless he becomes a repeat offender.
3. Been unfaithful in the past?
Keep it to yourself, or you’ll worry him. If he believes you’ve done it before, male friends and nights out will be even more risky, and he’ll automatically trust you less. Learn your lesson, and keep quiet.
4. Don’t tell him that your best friend is cheating …
He’ll start to presume that you discuss tactics, or that you’re cheating too. Act like infidelity is equal with murder, and you’ll cause a lot less suspicion.
5. Don’t criticise his body …
He might not look as young as he used too, but neither do you, and if he is still making an effort then you’re doing well.
6. Believe in him …
When everyone else is doubting him, you have to be the one person who actually believes that he will achieve his dreams, and outperform everybody else..
7. And if you don’t, pretend you do …
This will at least give him the confidence and drive to work harder, so that he doesn’t let you down.
8. Don’t threaten to leave …
He’ll start to feel that you are just waiting for an excuse, so keep this for times that you really are thinking of leaving, or it’ll stop having any effect.
9. Don’t let that earning more than him bother you …
Or it’ll bother him ten times more. He will already be struggling to handle this, so knowing that you think it makes him less of a man too will push him over the edge. Keep any bitchy comments in your head, and if you have to talk about it, confide in a trusted friend.
10. Don’t confess to crushes …
You’d be upset if he constantly pointed out other people he’d love to get into bed, so don’t do it to him. That way he won’t get jealous, and you’ll be free to enjoy your crush without feeling guilty or upsetting him.
11. Never tell your man how many people you’ve slept with …
Keep the number small, but make sure you remember it. Sleep with too many and you’ll no doubt go down in his opinion, too little and he’ll know you’re lying. Pick a small number and flatter his ego.
So edit the truth a little, and keep him, and your relationship happy.
Have you ever told a boyfriend something you shouldn’t, or do you have any advice for others who have? Share it with me!
